wednesday morning ranting…

well, the babies are sleeping (isla & b-man) & ava’s enjoying her hour of sesame street & i’m feeling lousy, so i’m going to write…

some of you have been following along, so this is just more of the same…

i’m so sick of feeling sick…and i’m really mad at my contacts.

i’m blaming them today. i don’t know if it’s their fault, but i read somewhere that your body can react to silica & spark issues like mine, so i’m blaming them for feeling like i’m going to throw up right now. stupid contacts…they lit the flame that started this fire.

i’m typing with my elbows glued to my side. it hurts to move my arms. my old cheerleading coach would be proud of my form right now…that’s about all she’d be proud of though considering i can’t do diddly with anything else. even “sparkle fingers” are out of the question.

two & half years ago i paid a visit to the eye doc to update my contacts. i had been wearing the same brand since day one of 7th grade. that’s like, geesh, 18 years ago or something. i never had an issue. period. but this guy proceeded to tell me how far contacts have come since then & that it would be in my best interest to switch. oookkk…he’s the doc, so he brings me this new pair of very popular contacts & as soon as they go into my eyes it starts…burning…hurting…itching. it was like having sand or a rock in your eye. so i told him i thought there was something wrong…he looked…looked again. nope. nothing’s there. he sends me packin’ & there i went, driving down the road, barely able to see it burned so badly. i took them out as soon as i got home.

long story short & two doctors later, i’m told that my immune system was over-reacting & that lesions had covered my eyes like “snowfall.” i could’ve probably counted on one hand how many times i had worn my glasses that year. little did i know they’d become permanent fixtures on my face that day. i was 5 mos pregnant with ava. she is now 23 mos old. i have just recently been able to tolerate new, special contacts. they still cause me pain, rip like crazy & by day’s end, i’m wiping goop out of my eyes constantly, but when you’ve got kids pulling your glasses off of your face 24/7 & you’re wearing them counterproductively in the shower so you can keep an eye on the baby at the same time…it gets a little annoying.

so anyway…that’s why this is all their fault. since then & three pregnancies later, things have gotten worse. i finished ava’s pregnancy off with swelling & those eyes…with pregnancy number two my digestive system apparently joined in the fun…i was sick after every meal. i thought it was my version of morning sickness. it loomed over me whenever we would leave the house. i never knew when or what would make my stomach so sick. it was awful. then i lost him/her & the sickness disappeared. pregnancy number three, isla’s pregnancy, was by far the worst. i hemorrhaged twice, the sickness returned, my hands became nearly crippled by carpal tunnel syndrome & ulnar nerve compression, headaches, fatigue, joint pain, rashes & swelling like i couldn’t believe. came with the territory, right? i was pregnant after all. i felt good after she was born, aside from the normal healing stuff…then it came back…with a vengeance.

three months post-partum, i was freaking out thinking i was already pregnant again. after all, the “pregnancy symptoms” had returned…acid reflux, pain, cramping, frantically searching for restrooms after meals…headaches…exhaustion…nausea…i took test after test. always negative. even took a blood test. negative. my new symptom this time…knee pain. knee pain like you wouldn’t believe. i actually almost fell down the stairs twice. things were not right. slowly, more of the same returned along with the new…the hand pain, elbows, hips. my arms & legs ache so badly i don’t even want to move them. i feel 200 years old! and i’m not even pregnant! at least when your pregnant you have a good reason for putting your body through all of those discomforts & you know it’s only temporary. this just flat out stinks. i don’t know how long it will last & there is nothing good to show for it.

on top of the pains, nausea, getting sick after eating, loss of appetite, i’ve had a handful of other weird, random problems…swollen lymph nodes in my arm pits, random patches of skin feeling burnt for days although nothing’s there & my hair won’t grow. i went from being able to frequently donate 10 plus inches of hair to not being able to grow even 2 inches in 6 mos.

finally, like a puzzle coming together, the rheumatologist is figuring me out. twelve more days until i see him again & hopefully receive some answers that don’t contain words like “sjogrens,” “lupus,” “disease” & “pain management.” i want to hear “normal,” “normal,” “normal,” & a big, fat “yes” to having more babies…

i’m going to get out of this rut & finally get back to being the fun-loving, easy-going, healthy person i used to be…

oh there she is… ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha i look kooky. i do that when other people are taking my mug shot. it’s the 4-yr-old in me i suppose…

sorry this is just a jumbled mess. i’m just frustrated & a little all over the place. i know my God is Healer. i know this is merely a scratch in His eyes. it’s nothing He can’t handle. i know i can also live a productive life with this, but i don’t want to have to. i have much more to say about all that, but i’ll save it for another time…those things i need to pray a lot more about first…

brain fog…

so i’ve decided on what to make for dinner tonight based on the contents of my refrigerator & pantry, but i can’t remember how on earth i made it. thank goodness i blog about every little mundane thing! haha just jokin’. my husbands probably nodding right now…stop it! i blog about important things too, mister! plus, when you’re filling your belly tonight (at 5:30 btw, so we have enough time to carve some pumpkins) you’ll be thankful that i blog about cooking! love you. ๐Ÿ™‚

ok, now that i’ve embarrassed him enough & he probably stopped reading…back to brain fog.

i’ve been having a lot of that lately. thought it was pregnancy-related…then, i wasn’t pregnant, so i just thought it was the new, not-so-with-it me & now the autoimmune thing, which states “brain fog” as a symptom…geesh, pregnancies, age, autoimmune disease…i’m up the creek here…

anyway, the kiddos are all sleeping. b-man’s in the pack ‘n play, isla rae’s in her swing & i just came back down from laying avey baby in her “cribby.” so, this is “me time” & i’m blogging for a bit before i hunt for that recipe, or lack thereof, which i tend to do on here & in general often…

i’m enjoying a nice glass of juice. “northland super fruits blueberry blackberry acai” to be exact.

did you know the word “acai” is actually pronounced “a-sigh-EE” – really, i’m not making it up. here’s the link if you don’t believe me…{acai}. i don’t like pronouncing things wrong. for years i referred to nikon as “nee-con,” until i heard a commercial pronounce it as “n-I-con.” i didn’t like that i had been saying it incorrectly for all of those years. stuff like that bugs me. crazy? i’ll just blame the teacher gene…

back to the juice, it’s really good. really good.

i like to drink it in our stemless wine glasses. not sure why. every beverage has a type of glass i like to drink it from & i don’t drink wine, so these are my designated berry juice glasses. citrus juices are in my “lowball” galsses. seriously, that’s what they are called. don’t believe me again? check it out {here}. see? i don’t like not knowing things. i love watching jeopardy for that reason. hubs is shaking his head at me right now & muttering “dork.” haha but, he loves me. he’s counting on me to raise our daughters to become librarians. i guess if they meet their future husbands in a library or church, we’re off to a decent start… ๐Ÿ™‚

ever notice how your life has a soundtrack? if i’m not talking to someone else or watching tv, i’m either singing or talking to myself in my head… am i the only one? does that also make me crazy?

seriously…the sun just popped out for like a nanosecond & filled the living room up with light & immediately i was singing “here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo…here comes the sun” & earlier, when i opened the dryer to find a wash cloth to wipe ava’s yogurt off of her face, i spotted a bib that read, “you are my sunshine.” so, of course i sang it to myself… usually, it’s a worship song, but sometimes you get those random ones (like the little einstein’s theme song) or something you don’t want or need in your head & you’re like “no, no, NO! stop it!” & you start singing the little einstein’s theme song just to get that other tune out of your head. you know what i mean???? ok, now hubs is really shaking his head at me & will most definitely deny knowing me in public after this one.

ugh, now i’m super irked. just went hunting through the old posts & it turns out i didn’t blog about this recipe i want to make tonight, so i’ll have to make it up again as i go….it’s a take on chicken marsala over homemade mashed potatoes…i’ll let you know how it goes…

i don’t like you, brain fog…

never a coincidence…

so had a few bubbles bursted today.

“daily blessing” held this title, “be content whatever the circumstances” based off of philippians 4:11…

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

yep. never a coincidence with me & the Big Guy…

we slept in yesterday morning, missing church. both of the girls had a rough night, thus mommy & daddy had little sleep as well, so we all stayed in bed as long as possible. when i asked my sister-in-law later what we missed, she said it was a good sermon from philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

man, a favorite for this frazzled, over-anxious, worry-wort mama. i was sorry to have missed it. even sorrier after leaving my doc appt this morning. it was honestly the first thing i thought about getting in my car to drive away. wish i heard that sermon… had ava not been in the car too, i probably would have cried. when i cry though, she asks, “what’s wrong, mom?” & gets this horribly worried look on her face & i don’t want to instill the worry-wort spirit in her already…

well, long story very short – the past couple of years have been really icky physically for me. things have been progressively getting worse, often random. i’ve gained two unbelievably gorgeous, loving, sweet baby angels out of the ickiness, so it’s been more than worth it. i finally decided to get things checked out. haywire eyes…check. joint pain…check. rashes…check. headaches…check. first cavity in like 15 years…check. fatigue…i mean what mom isn’t tired anyway, right? a few unmentionables in there as well. let’s just say – it ain’t pretty some days folks.

honestly, i was expecting the doc just to think i was nutso & send me home with a “you’re perfectly fine. get some rest.”

instead i got a “i definitely think you have a disease….an autoimmune disease” & a “you cannot get pregnant again.”

those were not the right words to say in front of my husband. i even said to the guy, “that is the worst thing you could have said in front of my husband.” i could see the proverbial nails going into the coffin.

it’s probably a good thing i’m writing this 11 hours later, b/c this morning, i was two tears from a wreck. i want more kids. just the other day, ava pulled out the little boy outfit i bought when i found out i was pregnant with her. i bought it along with the little lace dress that hangs on her bedroom wall. it reads, “my daddy is my hero.” it made me a little teary to see it, b/c i still wonder sometimes if we’ll have any more & what will happen to that little outfit if we don’t ever have a little guy to fill it out. she pulled it out again tonight…

basically, today was rough. started out with the rheumatologist…16 vials of blood work…yep, 16…my arms are very sore tonight…x-rays…dentist.

yuck, yuck, yuck.

i was also supposed to see the lactation consultant today to talk about re-lactating. she actually had me pretty pumped up (no pun intended) that it was gonna work, but now…no breastfeeding for me. the meds aren’t breastfeeding-friendly. yet another twist of the knife.

guess it could be worse. i may just be stubborn. well, i know i’m stubborn, but i’m not giving up the baby thing that easily.

i’ll find out more in two weeks. until then, gotta get that stinkin’ cavity filled & give it all to the Lord. oh & read philippians 4 a few hundred times…