so had a few bubbles bursted today.
“daily blessing” held this title, “be content whatever the circumstances” based off of philippians 4:11…
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
yep. never a coincidence with me & the Big Guy…
we slept in yesterday morning, missing church. both of the girls had a rough night, thus mommy & daddy had little sleep as well, so we all stayed in bed as long as possible. when i asked my sister-in-law later what we missed, she said it was a good sermon from philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
man, a favorite for this frazzled, over-anxious, worry-wort mama. i was sorry to have missed it. even sorrier after leaving my doc appt this morning. it was honestly the first thing i thought about getting in my car to drive away. wish i heard that sermon… had ava not been in the car too, i probably would have cried. when i cry though, she asks, “what’s wrong, mom?” & gets this horribly worried look on her face & i don’t want to instill the worry-wort spirit in her already…
well, long story very short – the past couple of years have been really icky physically for me. things have been progressively getting worse, often random. i’ve gained two unbelievably gorgeous, loving, sweet baby angels out of the ickiness, so it’s been more than worth it. i finally decided to get things checked out. haywire eyes…check. joint pain…check. rashes…check. headaches…check. first cavity in like 15 years…check. fatigue…i mean what mom isn’t tired anyway, right? a few unmentionables in there as well. let’s just say – it ain’t pretty some days folks.
honestly, i was expecting the doc just to think i was nutso & send me home with a “you’re perfectly fine. get some rest.”
instead i got a “i definitely think you have a disease….an autoimmune disease” & a “you cannot get pregnant again.”
those were not the right words to say in front of my husband. i even said to the guy, “that is the worst thing you could have said in front of my husband.” i could see the proverbial nails going into the coffin.
it’s probably a good thing i’m writing this 11 hours later, b/c this morning, i was two tears from a wreck. i want more kids. just the other day, ava pulled out the little boy outfit i bought when i found out i was pregnant with her. i bought it along with the little lace dress that hangs on her bedroom wall. it reads, “my daddy is my hero.” it made me a little teary to see it, b/c i still wonder sometimes if we’ll have any more & what will happen to that little outfit if we don’t ever have a little guy to fill it out. she pulled it out again tonight…
basically, today was rough. started out with the rheumatologist…16 vials of blood work…yep, 16…my arms are very sore tonight…x-rays…dentist.
yuck, yuck, yuck.
i was also supposed to see the lactation consultant today to talk about re-lactating. she actually had me pretty pumped up (no pun intended) that it was gonna work, but now…no breastfeeding for me. the meds aren’t breastfeeding-friendly. yet another twist of the knife.
guess it could be worse. i may just be stubborn. well, i know i’m stubborn, but i’m not giving up the baby thing that easily.
i’ll find out more in two weeks. until then, gotta get that stinkin’ cavity filled & give it all to the Lord. oh & read philippians 4 a few hundred times…