kitchen reflection

i spend about 90% of my day in the kitchen. the heart of our home. often the messiest room, and probably my favorite spot & biggest pain in the fanny all at the same time. a lot of love is in that room & that room constantly makes me think of the ones i love.

today, as i was preparing dinner (turkey feta chowder btw – so delicious), i kept glancing at isla’s early ultrasound pic i have had hanging on the side of the refrigerator since we came home with it last november. i was only about 6 wks pregnant & i had hemorrhaged. you can see actually the spot looming above her little body floating there. they said the bleeding area was only a few cubic centimeters, but yet it was still about three times the size of her little body. babies are such miracles.

i was reminded again of that picture as i was holding her just now. she’s gotten her 1st head cold (ava & daddy are sick too) & so she’s not sleeping too well tonight. i spent the last hour just holding her in my arms here as she slept & squirmed like she was fighting a belly ache or something.

i was on the verge of thinking that i wished she would feel better & sleep in her crib, so i could get some things done & go to bed myself, but then i thought of that picture in the kitchen & the dark cloud of bleeding that hovered over her for nearly two months.

she is a sweet, quiet, precious little miracle. once i remembered that, i really didn’t care so much anymore that i was staring at a cold cup of “hot tea,” or that there’s still a heap of dirty dishes on the counter & oatmeal smeared across the kitchen table. i’ve got a pile of clean laundry camping out on the couch & i don’t even have time to get into the story behind the HUGE soot spot still on our cream carpet from ava playing in my 3-wick candle this afternoon…while i was straightening up in the kitchen – imagine that…

that’d be the spot…

yep, my arm was killing me & the house is a total wreck, but i had a beautiful little miracle in my lap.

they make the mess more than worth it, don’t they?

speaking of…i just ordered ava a play kitchen online. it’s such a blessing to be able to buy her something she will love so much for her christmas gift.

i look forward to watching her “cook” for her babies, clean up her their messes, “wash” her little baby clothes & the ten wash cloths she’ll swipe from my pile on the couch…

her kitchen will soon become the heart of her little world too.

funny how we women are made…wanting to take care of the ones we love from the beginning.

funny…a “mommy blogger” blip on tv just sucked me in…

seriously, though, i have got to go clean the kitchen…

good night. go kiss your babies one more time. if they’re like mine though & they wake up at the very shift of air caused by the silent cracking of their doors…just go stand outside their rooms long enough for one more prayer of thanksgiving for their love, their health & their existence…

and tomorrow, when they are little tornados all over again & you’re giving yourself your nightly pep talk to pick up the toys & load the dishwasher, forgoing the opportunity to just pass out on top of the laundry pile that can wait another day…remember…

your kitchen, your house, is trashed b/c your home & heart are full.

life sans facebook

i stumbled upon my official favorite post of the week. {read it here} it’s gonna be hard to top this one in my book, b/c it hit so close to home…it hit my heart.

as a matter of fact, it is pretty much the sole reason for my decision two fridays ago to deactivate my own facebook account. i’ve been on that thing for years…since it was for college students only. it has dramatically changed since then. now everyone from an elementary school aged child (ridiculous btw) to your grandma has become a social-networking junkie.

i was a junkie too. in the true sense – it’s addicting. period. deny it all you want, but when it started to affect my marriage, the scales fell from my eyes & i realized i liked facebooking more than i liked a lot of things – including sitting quietly on the couch next to my own husband. ridiculous.

there are so many good reasons to be a part of it – the links, the coupons, the ideas, the inspirational few that post encouraging words, but you know what? the bad began to creep in & suffocate the good out of it.

too often, i would log off with my heart literally racing or my stomach in my throat. grown women had turned it into a bad version of high school. no one is perfect & no one has it all together, all the time, but you would think so after spending 10 minutes on there. in a flash of new top stories, i could go from having a wonderful, productive day to feeling like the biggest loser on the block.

i know i’m not alone.

too often i would find myself thinking, “why does that person talk to them, but won’t comment on my stuff??” “i thought we were friends…” “so and so talks to me in real life, but won’t in facebook land.” ridiculous. all ridiculous.

but yet i was addicted to it. the drama…the stories…the fluffy status stuff that i knew was an embellishment anyway…

the only things keeping it afloat for awhile were those encouraging few who would have such a positive impact on my day. realizing that dropping facebook wasn’t dropping them…i quit cold turkey.

so here are some red flags i’d like to share. maybe it’s time for a facebook vacation for you too…

1 – if you have similar feelings – if people are intentionally, unintentionally, passive-aggressively affecting your life…take a vacation.

2 – if you find yourself looking to your friends (real or cyber) for advice more often than your spouse & the Lord…take a vacation.

3 – if you are literally crazed to know who’s doing what & where & with whom…take a vacation.

4 – if at least three sentences of your day’s conversations begin with the words, “i saw on facebook…” – take a vacation.

5 – when you accept that some things & some people are just plain ridiculous & you need to focus your time, energy & mental health to more productive “hobbies,” well…take a vacation!

if you’re still going to facebook after this…i understand – just make it a point not to be so snarky…

snarky…my favorite word of the week, also thanks to janae.

oh yeah & let that persona you hold online be the real you. she’s the one who really matters anyway.

that brings to mind numero seis…#6 – if facebook has become your go-to for validation of who you are as a woman…a Christian…a mother…a person…let it go. today. be free to be you all on your own & be proud of that person.

still standing…

that’s what i’m doing – building wings.

some days lately it feels as though i’m having to do it frantically & others, i seem to get a few moments of floating.

today’s been a mixture of each.

have you ever felt as if you were on the verge of change? well, i’m on the cusp of a new me…i think i’m pretty much there.

i have had this happen once before in my life. i’m talking over-haul kind of stuff…

the first time was my senior year in high school. that’s been a long time ago now, but i remember that year so vividly b/c my life changed…i changed.

going into that year, my life had been “perfect.” seemingly close-knit family, successful in school & sports, oodles of friends…always on top of the world…you probably couldn’t catch me crying or frowning for that matter if you tried.

as of october of that year…homecoming court, lead role in an independent film, cheerleader since the 2nd grade…by february…dropped from the film, kicked off the squad, tattooed, 42 school absences, countless tardies, detention & divorced parents. needless to say, not the same pretty picture…

valentine’s day, february 14th of that year, i was at the lowest, most desperate time of my life. the future was blurry & i was just going through the motions on so many levels. when i didn’t think things could get any worse & i could probably count true friends on 2 fingers…Jesus showed up.

3 days later on february 17th, i caught a glimpse of Heaven…and just like that i was new.

i can’t explain to you how that happens, but when the Lord said through paul, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come,” He meant it…i really was new. i tried to remember how i felt about certain people, things or topics…tried to relate as the old me, but i never could. i really had become a new creation. my thoughts, my desires, my perceptions & realities were all new.

so this is why i have hope today. this is why, i know it’s going to be ok. i know, b/c i’ve already been there & i’ve experienced the outcome when you release your fears, insecurities, doubts, life…into the hands of the One who made you, knows you & knows what’s best for your life.

my issues are far from resembling any of the issues i faced back then. i’ve been faithfully devoted to Christ everyday since & my “sin issues” aren’t so blatant anymore…i’m learning the deeper you get into your walk w/the Lord, the more like brain surgery it becomes. He’s finding the details in me…the glitches.

through my recent blunders & struggles, i have found a desperation for Jesus like i haven’t felt in a long time. He’s reminding me that i had forgotten to keep leaning on Him. my spirit is more humbled now than ever & He’s probably allowing that to happen b/c “a meek & quiet spirit” is what He loves. {1 peter 3:4}

reminiscent of my previous experience, i’ve been unraveling. unlike the last time though, it’s been a slow process & this time, it’s not the things around me that are coming undone – it’s me. i’ve asked God to help me become this noble woman described in His Word, thinking He would help me to evolve from where i already had grown to. in actuality, He’s stripping me down & showing me the existing uglies instead.

lately, my shortcomings can be found mostly in relationships, most importantly, in my marriage. i’ve asked Him earnestly for months now to help me become a true proverbs 31 woman. i didn’t know that prayer was going to lead me here, but it has & i’m thankful for that.

apparently, you can’t pray to become a proverbs 31 woman & still insist on steering your own ship. lesson learned – the hard way. i have a confession. i’ve been arrogant in my marriage…self-righteous even at times. my way’s always the best…i am above hurting someone i love…nope. i’m finding neither of those are true. i’m seeing that i really can be hurtful & i haven’t been the woman i have the potential of being…the woman He created me to be. my husband deserves that woman. my children deserve that woman. God deserves that woman.

a wife of noble character who can find?
she is worth far more than rubies.
her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
she brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

wow. full confidence. lacking nothing of value. bringing him good, not harm, all of her days…the Lord is really refining me right now. He’s got His magnifying glass on my heart & mind.

i’m learning to be thankful for my failures & i’m actually excited to see who’s coming out on the other side of them. i’m on the verge of becoming better, wiser, stronger b/c of them…

so i guess my message is simply this…

how well we rise will depend entirely on who you let build your wings.

check out brooke fraser’s song, shadowfeet in the playlist at the bottom of the page…

when the world is falling out from under me,
i’ll be found in You…
still standing…


Ruby Jane’s leaves

we don’t need to know someone to love them. we don’t need to love someone to mourn for them &…we don’t need to birth a child to feel a longing to hold them & see them well when they’ve gone to Heaven too soon for our hearts to understand.

my heart aches for Ruby Jane & her family tonight.

i stumbled across their precious blog while trying to find the tutorial i wanted on make it and love it. i love that i stumbled on such a gem instead.

Ruby Jane.

you can read their story {here}.

i cry for my Heaven Baby still some days. you know that already… & i didn’t even get the chance to see or know my baby. imagine seeing & knowing sweet Ruby Jane for nearly a year then having to say good-bye. some things in this world just remind me to be thankful & to be mindful of our blessings.

some stories change our lives…change our hearts. thank you, Ani for the story of {her leaves}. i will never look at leaves the same again…

Ruby Jane, when i see them, i will honor you & remember to pray for your sweet parents & sister. God is gracious & compassionate & He will pour out His loving-kindness & blessings on them. i know it.

and someday, Ruby Jane, we will all be together again…you with them & us with our angel. until then…

Lord, please help me to remember sweet Ruby Jane when even the thought of complaining crosses my mind. thank you, Lord for my blessings…my babies. thank you for their health, Lord & thank you for giving us Your compassion in our hearts that we can be moved by others’ strength & courage in such a way that it can change our own lives forever…making us better people…You allow our hearts to break in order mold & shape them…

a word from Ani…

I want to be busy and stressed out, and tired and have spit up in my hair.
I see mothers everyday that look so upset and unhappy.
Do you know how lucky you are to have spit up in your hair? Do you know how lucky you are to have TWO crying babies in your cart? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to buy diapers? Do you know how lucky you are to have circles under your eyes from being up all night with your baby, and not from crying all night from missing your baby? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to nurse your baby? It takes everything in me not to walk up to mother’s and just make sure they know!

thank you, Ani for your honesty & the reality check. thank you, thank you, thank you. i don’t even have to go into how badly i’ve taken these joys for granted…

please check out the Ruby Jane Foundation {here}.

{image source}

you can also connect with this incredible family on facebook…{here}

sharing similar struggles? read this…

i came across this post this morning. it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite blog sites. it just goes to show – we are never alone in our struggles. there’s always someone out there on the same page as you, regardless what the situation…loss, frustration, joy, fear, success, embarrassment…the list goes on. we’re all human & i’m simply a woman trying to live in truth. i’m never perfect & i’m not ashamed or too proud to pretend otherwise.

if it appears i’m on a soap box, i may be, but i feel that God is trying to transform me – to set my priorities & thoughts straight. maybe you’re on the verge of a new you too. thank you, Jesus that you love me enough to constantly point me in the right direction…

find the post here…{sisterhood…get real}

Emily P. Freeman says in her book, Grace for the Good Girl,

“When I am wearing a mask, not only can others not see me, but I can’t see them. I see everything through a thin veil of perception…. What would it look like if I allowed Jesus Himself to determine my comfort zone? What if, instead of walking into a room with a wall around me, I was able to walk into a room and move toward others in freedom? Before I am able to do that, I have to be convinced that I am safe. And that is exactly what Jesus came to do.”

{image courtesy of pinterest}

“let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” james 1:4

His girl.

i’ll tell you right now – i want nothing more in life than to be “God’s girl.” i live & long for His favor & love. i screw up a lot. i get down on myself even more…but at the end of the day when i lay my head on my pillow, i give Him today’s failures & fears trusting that His mercies are new each morning & a blank canvas awaits…

for too long i’ve worried about what others think of me. for too long i’ve cared about what they have to say. for too long i’ve placed my worth in the hands of some pretty artificial people. “why do you care?” my husband will ask. “why does it matter what they think or say about you?” the truth is, i don’t know. i don’t have an answer. i don’t know why i care & i sure don’t know why it matters. maybe it’s the flaw of the female.

i was never insecure until i moved home from graduating bible college & i often wonder where the disconnect occurred. i have an idea of the why but not the when…

i’m reminded often of one of my favorite pastors, richard crisco, when i think of the toxic relationships i still chase to this day. “show me your friends & i’ll show you your future,” he said very often & with complete certainty. you know what? he is right. at this rate my future will be a shriveled, timid mess unless i step up & get my head straight.

i am His girl. Jesus is my best friend. i need to let all of those opinions shrivel.

there are some people that will go out of their way to prove to you, themselves & others that you don’t matter…that you’re static. are you someone’s “secret friend” too? you know what i’m talking about. why is it that those people tend to be the most alluring? it’s the devil. i believe it. b/c not only are you tied up in constantly trying to win approval, thus constantly being distracted from God & His agenda for your actions, thoughts, life, but the rejection you feel drags you further into a pit of lies you tell yourself about who you are. again, i say to myself & you – it does not matter what the world thinks or says you are – who does God say you are?

who am i, Lord?

you are Mine.

you are beautiful.

all the rest is static.

charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ~proverbs 31:30

wednesday morning ranting…

well, the babies are sleeping (isla & b-man) & ava’s enjoying her hour of sesame street & i’m feeling lousy, so i’m going to write…

some of you have been following along, so this is just more of the same…

i’m so sick of feeling sick…and i’m really mad at my contacts.

i’m blaming them today. i don’t know if it’s their fault, but i read somewhere that your body can react to silica & spark issues like mine, so i’m blaming them for feeling like i’m going to throw up right now. stupid contacts…they lit the flame that started this fire.

i’m typing with my elbows glued to my side. it hurts to move my arms. my old cheerleading coach would be proud of my form right now…that’s about all she’d be proud of though considering i can’t do diddly with anything else. even “sparkle fingers” are out of the question.

two & half years ago i paid a visit to the eye doc to update my contacts. i had been wearing the same brand since day one of 7th grade. that’s like, geesh, 18 years ago or something. i never had an issue. period. but this guy proceeded to tell me how far contacts have come since then & that it would be in my best interest to switch. oookkk…he’s the doc, so he brings me this new pair of very popular contacts & as soon as they go into my eyes it starts…burning…hurting…itching. it was like having sand or a rock in your eye. so i told him i thought there was something wrong…he looked…looked again. nope. nothing’s there. he sends me packin’ & there i went, driving down the road, barely able to see it burned so badly. i took them out as soon as i got home.

long story short & two doctors later, i’m told that my immune system was over-reacting & that lesions had covered my eyes like “snowfall.” i could’ve probably counted on one hand how many times i had worn my glasses that year. little did i know they’d become permanent fixtures on my face that day. i was 5 mos pregnant with ava. she is now 23 mos old. i have just recently been able to tolerate new, special contacts. they still cause me pain, rip like crazy & by day’s end, i’m wiping goop out of my eyes constantly, but when you’ve got kids pulling your glasses off of your face 24/7 & you’re wearing them counterproductively in the shower so you can keep an eye on the baby at the same time…it gets a little annoying.

so anyway…that’s why this is all their fault. since then & three pregnancies later, things have gotten worse. i finished ava’s pregnancy off with swelling & those eyes…with pregnancy number two my digestive system apparently joined in the fun…i was sick after every meal. i thought it was my version of morning sickness. it loomed over me whenever we would leave the house. i never knew when or what would make my stomach so sick. it was awful. then i lost him/her & the sickness disappeared. pregnancy number three, isla’s pregnancy, was by far the worst. i hemorrhaged twice, the sickness returned, my hands became nearly crippled by carpal tunnel syndrome & ulnar nerve compression, headaches, fatigue, joint pain, rashes & swelling like i couldn’t believe. came with the territory, right? i was pregnant after all. i felt good after she was born, aside from the normal healing stuff…then it came back…with a vengeance.

three months post-partum, i was freaking out thinking i was already pregnant again. after all, the “pregnancy symptoms” had returned…acid reflux, pain, cramping, frantically searching for restrooms after meals…headaches…exhaustion…nausea…i took test after test. always negative. even took a blood test. negative. my new symptom this time…knee pain. knee pain like you wouldn’t believe. i actually almost fell down the stairs twice. things were not right. slowly, more of the same returned along with the new…the hand pain, elbows, hips. my arms & legs ache so badly i don’t even want to move them. i feel 200 years old! and i’m not even pregnant! at least when your pregnant you have a good reason for putting your body through all of those discomforts & you know it’s only temporary. this just flat out stinks. i don’t know how long it will last & there is nothing good to show for it.

on top of the pains, nausea, getting sick after eating, loss of appetite, i’ve had a handful of other weird, random problems…swollen lymph nodes in my arm pits, random patches of skin feeling burnt for days although nothing’s there & my hair won’t grow. i went from being able to frequently donate 10 plus inches of hair to not being able to grow even 2 inches in 6 mos.

finally, like a puzzle coming together, the rheumatologist is figuring me out. twelve more days until i see him again & hopefully receive some answers that don’t contain words like “sjogrens,” “lupus,” “disease” & “pain management.” i want to hear “normal,” “normal,” “normal,” & a big, fat “yes” to having more babies…

i’m going to get out of this rut & finally get back to being the fun-loving, easy-going, healthy person i used to be…

oh there she is… 😉 haha i look kooky. i do that when other people are taking my mug shot. it’s the 4-yr-old in me i suppose…

sorry this is just a jumbled mess. i’m just frustrated & a little all over the place. i know my God is Healer. i know this is merely a scratch in His eyes. it’s nothing He can’t handle. i know i can also live a productive life with this, but i don’t want to have to. i have much more to say about all that, but i’ll save it for another time…those things i need to pray a lot more about first…

HE does it once again…

again today, without fail, God is speaking to my heart in the “daily blessing”

maybe it’s what you need to hear today too…

Don’t Understand? Trust God

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, “The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day.” (NIV)

One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You’ll see God’s purpose behind the path he specifically chose for you. In the meantime, do what Proverbs 3 tells us to do: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Be patient. God knows what He’s doing. God knows what is best for you. He can see the end result. You can’t. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays — all the things that make you ask “why” — one day it will all be clear in the light of God’s love. But for now, we’re learning to trust God.

i sing this in a song to ava & isla every night. it’s my heart’s desire for them. i hope they write this advice on their hearts & put it into practice every day of their long, beautiful lives…

brain fog…

so i’ve decided on what to make for dinner tonight based on the contents of my refrigerator & pantry, but i can’t remember how on earth i made it. thank goodness i blog about every little mundane thing! haha just jokin’. my husbands probably nodding right now…stop it! i blog about important things too, mister! plus, when you’re filling your belly tonight (at 5:30 btw, so we have enough time to carve some pumpkins) you’ll be thankful that i blog about cooking! love you. 🙂

ok, now that i’ve embarrassed him enough & he probably stopped reading…back to brain fog.

i’ve been having a lot of that lately. thought it was pregnancy-related…then, i wasn’t pregnant, so i just thought it was the new, not-so-with-it me & now the autoimmune thing, which states “brain fog” as a symptom…geesh, pregnancies, age, autoimmune disease…i’m up the creek here…

anyway, the kiddos are all sleeping. b-man’s in the pack ‘n play, isla rae’s in her swing & i just came back down from laying avey baby in her “cribby.” so, this is “me time” & i’m blogging for a bit before i hunt for that recipe, or lack thereof, which i tend to do on here & in general often…

i’m enjoying a nice glass of juice. “northland super fruits blueberry blackberry acai” to be exact.

did you know the word “acai” is actually pronounced “a-sigh-EE” – really, i’m not making it up. here’s the link if you don’t believe me…{acai}. i don’t like pronouncing things wrong. for years i referred to nikon as “nee-con,” until i heard a commercial pronounce it as “n-I-con.” i didn’t like that i had been saying it incorrectly for all of those years. stuff like that bugs me. crazy? i’ll just blame the teacher gene…

back to the juice, it’s really good. really good.

i like to drink it in our stemless wine glasses. not sure why. every beverage has a type of glass i like to drink it from & i don’t drink wine, so these are my designated berry juice glasses. citrus juices are in my “lowball” galsses. seriously, that’s what they are called. don’t believe me again? check it out {here}. see? i don’t like not knowing things. i love watching jeopardy for that reason. hubs is shaking his head at me right now & muttering “dork.” haha but, he loves me. he’s counting on me to raise our daughters to become librarians. i guess if they meet their future husbands in a library or church, we’re off to a decent start… 🙂

ever notice how your life has a soundtrack? if i’m not talking to someone else or watching tv, i’m either singing or talking to myself in my head… am i the only one? does that also make me crazy?

seriously…the sun just popped out for like a nanosecond & filled the living room up with light & immediately i was singing “here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo…here comes the sun” & earlier, when i opened the dryer to find a wash cloth to wipe ava’s yogurt off of her face, i spotted a bib that read, “you are my sunshine.” so, of course i sang it to myself… usually, it’s a worship song, but sometimes you get those random ones (like the little einstein’s theme song) or something you don’t want or need in your head & you’re like “no, no, NO! stop it!” & you start singing the little einstein’s theme song just to get that other tune out of your head. you know what i mean???? ok, now hubs is really shaking his head at me & will most definitely deny knowing me in public after this one.

ugh, now i’m super irked. just went hunting through the old posts & it turns out i didn’t blog about this recipe i want to make tonight, so i’ll have to make it up again as i go….it’s a take on chicken marsala over homemade mashed potatoes…i’ll let you know how it goes…

i don’t like you, brain fog…

never a coincidence…

so had a few bubbles bursted today.

“daily blessing” held this title, “be content whatever the circumstances” based off of philippians 4:11…

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

yep. never a coincidence with me & the Big Guy…

we slept in yesterday morning, missing church. both of the girls had a rough night, thus mommy & daddy had little sleep as well, so we all stayed in bed as long as possible. when i asked my sister-in-law later what we missed, she said it was a good sermon from philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

man, a favorite for this frazzled, over-anxious, worry-wort mama. i was sorry to have missed it. even sorrier after leaving my doc appt this morning. it was honestly the first thing i thought about getting in my car to drive away. wish i heard that sermon… had ava not been in the car too, i probably would have cried. when i cry though, she asks, “what’s wrong, mom?” & gets this horribly worried look on her face & i don’t want to instill the worry-wort spirit in her already…

well, long story very short – the past couple of years have been really icky physically for me. things have been progressively getting worse, often random. i’ve gained two unbelievably gorgeous, loving, sweet baby angels out of the ickiness, so it’s been more than worth it. i finally decided to get things checked out. haywire eyes…check. joint pain…check. rashes…check. headaches…check. first cavity in like 15 years…check. fatigue…i mean what mom isn’t tired anyway, right? a few unmentionables in there as well. let’s just say – it ain’t pretty some days folks.

honestly, i was expecting the doc just to think i was nutso & send me home with a “you’re perfectly fine. get some rest.”

instead i got a “i definitely think you have a disease….an autoimmune disease” & a “you cannot get pregnant again.”

those were not the right words to say in front of my husband. i even said to the guy, “that is the worst thing you could have said in front of my husband.” i could see the proverbial nails going into the coffin.

it’s probably a good thing i’m writing this 11 hours later, b/c this morning, i was two tears from a wreck. i want more kids. just the other day, ava pulled out the little boy outfit i bought when i found out i was pregnant with her. i bought it along with the little lace dress that hangs on her bedroom wall. it reads, “my daddy is my hero.” it made me a little teary to see it, b/c i still wonder sometimes if we’ll have any more & what will happen to that little outfit if we don’t ever have a little guy to fill it out. she pulled it out again tonight…

basically, today was rough. started out with the rheumatologist…16 vials of blood work…yep, 16…my arms are very sore tonight…x-rays…dentist.

yuck, yuck, yuck.

i was also supposed to see the lactation consultant today to talk about re-lactating. she actually had me pretty pumped up (no pun intended) that it was gonna work, but now…no breastfeeding for me. the meds aren’t breastfeeding-friendly. yet another twist of the knife.

guess it could be worse. i may just be stubborn. well, i know i’m stubborn, but i’m not giving up the baby thing that easily.

i’ll find out more in two weeks. until then, gotta get that stinkin’ cavity filled & give it all to the Lord. oh & read philippians 4 a few hundred times…