i was standing in panera last week around 8:30pm. my mom was watching the girls for me while i ran to the store. i decided to stop and grab us some bagels for the next morning’s breakfast. as i was waiting for the employee to get my order together, i received a text from my hubby who was away on a business trip. it was so touching and so unexpected. he had in so many words told me to plan on going out for a celebratory dinner in honor of ‘ej’ and him/her awaiting us in heaven. it took all of my will-power not to burst into tears right there in front of the girl behind the counter. i felt the water in my eyes and pushed a smile.
so tomorrow is the day (i am writing this on monday night), and he asked me a few times today if i had decided on a place yet. no, i haven’t. still haven’t and it’s nearly 10pm. blame working on dresses all day…blame dancing with the stars…blame exhaustion…blame denial.
ej’s first ‘celebration day’, i don’t remember doing anything. i pulled the baby box out, sat it on the bed and cried. no one really even brought it up. i don’t know if they forgot, didn’t want to ‘go there’ or what, but i’m glad that will have been the one and only anniversary that felt sad and lonely. i hadn’t really talked about everything and wouldn’t blog about it until my ‘i think it’s time’ post that june. the following year i definitely had finally arrived at some much-needed peace. finally, in 2012, i felt that ava was old enough for me to talk with her about ej a little bit. she didn’t understand who ej is, but she was happy to help me bake a cake and we celebrated together while daddy was at work. last year, we did the same. tomorrow…we will bake brownies or make rice krispie treats. i’ll let the girls tell me which ej would prefer.
ava talks about ej quite frequently now. she says things like, ‘i’m sad that ej is a heaven baby. i wish he was a house baby.’ sweet girl. she tells me that ej is a boy and that Jesus carried him to heaven and someday Jesus will carry him back down to us. i don’t try to add thoughts or words, or ‘correct’ her theology, b/c the truth is – i don’t know. i’m sure Jesus did carry him home, it’s the carrying back down part i’m not too sure about, but it doesn’t matter. what does matter is that we have a healthy child waiting for us in eternity, we have three gorgeous and healthy girls here on this earth to enjoy, and we have our faith that carries us through all of the ups and downs and gives us meaning to go along with the mess.
i’m not sure where we will end up tomorrow…where we will celebrate. part of me is thinking of going somewhere intimate, while the other part of me wants to do something/go somewhere appropriate for celebrating a three-year-old. i’ll probably have to consult the family on this one too. no matter where we end up though, i know it will be perfect and special, b/c the memory made will be one of family, unity, faith, hope, peace, joy, thankfulness, togetherness, and trust in God, in His plan, and in our place in His hands.
if you would like to read more about my sweet ej and what that baby has done for me personally in my walk with God, or if you are looking for some encouragement or a voice to say, ‘it’s going to be okay’, please click here and you will be taken to a compilation of all of my miscarriage-related posts. God bless you and keep you.
we love you, ej. happy celebration day, my little love.