longing for a ‘let down’ – nursing and sjogren’s

this will be brief – if i even know how to be brief *wink* – b/c it’s already after midnight, and my hands aren’t fading fast…they flat out went kaput like two days ago. i’m heading downstairs after this to try pumping just one more time. i promise this won’t be a nursing post, but it has something to do with what i’m dealing with. my supply has been rapidly fading since introducing formula. little peanut has grown substantially since doing so, so i have very mixed feelings. one thing i am feeling is a yearning. i yearn for the ‘let down.’ if miss e is my last, i am saddened to think, like a kicking babe in a womb, i will never get the chance to feel that sensation again. it’s not a good one; it’s not a bad one… it’s just a familiar one. you know it’s coming – the life source for your infant. for me, it was relief. “yes, thank you God that it’s still working.”  i would say that nearly every day for over ten months. and now, my physical appearance and the fact that eden just rejected a last-ditch effort to nurse five minutes ago, tells me that the ‘let down’ has let go.

another unfortunate sign of that fact is the pain. my fingers…my knees…my arms and legs. it’s back. it flooded in with a vengeance. my skin is splitting across my knuckles and folding laundry feels like juggling razor blades. it makes my thoughts revisit my trips to the rheumatologist after delivering isla. i made it just three months in nursing with her before this body shut down the pump. three months postpartum, the pain started…the nearly falling down stairs…the not being able to open a pickle jar to save my life… the rheumie said, no more babies. you could die. and to that i said, ‘see ya later, alligator,’ and went and got pregnant. eden turned out to be the most wonderful pregnancy yet, and after a painfree delivery – yes, i mean that – she is also the easiest baby. ever.

apparently, estrogen has a lot to do with the pain and inflammation in my joints, and b/c my body is shifting out of nursing-mode, the hormones are getting quite wacky. like straight up on drugs out of their mind kind of kooky. so, while they get their act together, i am going to try to surrender my control issues with the blog and the business. i’m going to start going to bed earlier and taking the best care of myself that i can while i fight this stuff physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i believe God healed me of my sjogren’s. i’m sticking to that. this may be a setback, but i will have a victory.

that said, please be patient with me, klover house, and eden gray! i’m not abandoning you. i’m not avoiding your comments, emails, or questions. the truth is that i’m fighting to type even this, and i have to pace myself or my little fingers will grow tight and curly and we can’t have that! i’ve got things to do and ppl to care for.

now, off to try to pump and hoping a ‘let down’ awaits.

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