a mother. a mess.

mistake #1 tonight… watching ‘gravity’ as a tired, weepy mama of three little girls. the red shoe, ppl. i’m still thinking about it. and if you haven’t seen the movie yet, and you’re a weepy mama too, grab the tissues for that scene. my husband, on the other hand, embraced that part as his ‘ah-ha’ moment…’i thought this was halle berry all along!!’  oh, men.

mistake #2… having a serious debate conversation with your husband minutes before bedtime, after watching an intense and moving movie that made you burst into tears at one point. needless to say, my emotions are running hot, and i no longer wanted to go to bed. instead, i retreated to a hot cup of tea and my thoughts.

mistake #3… grabbing a box of samoas on my way to the couch.

yep. there i sat with raging hormones, a racing mind, a cup of tea, and a box of samoas. then, the baby cried. midnight. right on cue. as i walked into her room, dad was already there, holding her sleepy self in his arms. i love that sight.  even after a debate…

as soon as she spotted me, she lunged for me. i love that sleepy baby needing her mama stuff. she is pure preciousness. as i took her, i asked hubs to grab a bottle before returning to bed. you see, i’m a nursing mom with a history of complications, but God has been so good and faithful to me this time around. with ‘a’, things started to fail around five months. i went back to working full-time, and my supply quickly shut itself down. with ‘i’, i had even more of a struggle, even being a sahm, and things disappointingly just stopped working at a mere three months. but with ‘e’, i have been praying and believing for a miracle run. God has granted it. she’s nearly ten months old, and i still have the pleasure of nursing her in the wee hours of night. i am thankful.

all that said, i took ‘e’ to her nine month appointment, and her growth had slowed significantly enough that her doc wants to see her midway between the nine and twelve month appointments. that was a blow to me. a blow to my ability to sustain her, to satisfy her, to see her thriving and to have had a hand in it. so, to say i gave it all i could, i began pumping and doubling whatever i produced with formula. she has been doing quite well that way, but in the back of my mind, i think about doubt, and trust, and faith, and responsibility. but that’s all enough for another post.

in the minutes that my husband was gone, retrieving a bottle, i decided to nurse and sat down. ‘i still have this, Lord. i know what You’ve done so far, and i am believing for it to keep working, b/c you are faithful and i have faith in You. not me. You.’ and once again, i pray over myself and this vessel of a body, and i thank God for the gift as she takes every gulp.

no, this isn’t a post about nursing. that’s the one that i wrote while i nursed. this is a post about me, the mama. the mess.

i nursed her. hubs sat the bottle in the crib and returned to bed. i sat in the dark and stroked her head. she is so incredibly soft. i couldn’t believe how soft she is. no silk, no velvet could ever compare to her skin and fuzzy head of hair. babies are so soft and beautiful. i thought as i was bathing her tonight that there is nothing cuter that a naked, rolly baby sitting, splashing in a bathtub. well, there is nothing more precious than a soft, sweet-smelling, sleepy baby snuggled in a lap. so sweet, so soft…the epitome of peace.

i kept writing that post in my head – the one about nursing and God’s faithfulness, but i kept stopping myself thinking, ‘think about this, kristi. enjoy this. don’t go to the mental keyboard. you don’t know how long this will last. enjoy it. get out of your head and back into this room with this amazing baby relying on you for comfort, food, and love.’

and so the cycle went, until she began to snore (she has the sniffles). i prayed over her one more time, and as i placed her into her crib, i thought, ‘my goodness. i am a mess.  my head and heart are all over the place tonight’, and matthew 14:22-33 came to mind instantly.

i think about peter walking on the water a lot. and it struck me tonight that i feel like peter in this motherhood thing. peter called out to jesus. ‘let me come to you.’ (i am paraphrasing), and then he goes out with what seems as confidence, notices the wind, probably looks around at the unsteady waves, the rising waters, the unknown depth, the natural, the physical, the reality of the situation, and he falters. i mean, imagine the awesomeness!  you are walking on water to Jesus! seriously, could anything but flying be more incredible?! that’s motherhood. awesomeness. it’s also as scary as all get out, if you’ve turned your attention. that’s so easy to do. some days, i am confident. i’ve got this. i’ve got grace and peace and assurance… and then, i take my eyes off of Jesus and catch a view of the uncertainties, the responsibilities, the fleeting moments of baby-bliss, the state of my overwhelming emotions, and whoa. ‘catch me, Lord!’

i am a mess.

and just like with peter, i feel Jesus rescue me. mothering is hard. the ‘what-ifs’ are unending. the sleep deprivation and the worries are manifesting themselves daily in my body, mind, and soul, but He’s got me, so i know He’s got this. since nursing eden, i’ve gotten to put a sniffly isla back to bed and deliver a drink and a prayer to a sleep-walking ava. i kissed each of their heads, stroked their hair and cheeks. (gladly, even at four, they are still so soft. that doesn’t fade too quickly, thank God from this mama’s heart…) and i returned to my half cup of cold tea and a box of samoas with only one absent row (hallelujah) to tell you about my mess, and the water, and my Jesus before i let Him take me by the hand and lead me back to the boat. in this case, my bed. He knows that i need some sleep in order to fully embrace and appreciate the three beautiful blessings that will surely be there to greet me in t-minus four hours. hang in there, mama. i’m going to wake up in the morning with matthew 14:22-33 on my mind and ask the Lord to call me out on the water again. and tomorrow, as well as each day after, i’m going to try my best not to look down. keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.


and how can i reference matthew 14:22-33 without hearing this song?  
i love it.  it’s written on my heart.

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