oh, the heavy

before you read…this is my heart.  i pray it doesn’t weigh you down, but opens you up to feel something as deeply as you are meant to feel it.  i write as an outlet for my soul, and i write for my girls.  ava, isla, and eden, i pray that God can use me to help mold you into some of the most courageous, passionate, God-loving, God-fearing, compassionate women that this world has ever known.  anything less would be meaningless. xo, mama

i read a news story tonight that i just can’t shake. i’m sure some of you saw it as well, b/c it was traveling on facebook, even though it happened in 2008. my heart is broken. i shut the computer, deflated. turned out the lights and headed upstairs, tears rolling down my cheeks. why, Lord? what do i do with the heavy?

i shared the story of baby benjamin with my husband. i can still see his round, little baby face in my head. five months old. an american baby, for cryin’ out loud. aren’t we supposed to be a well-adjusted nation? and aren’t parents supposed to naturally love their babies? how come it doesn’t work that way, God? i know; i know. satan. he steals. he kills. he destroys. evil is real. it’s heavy.

‘cast your burdens on me.’  that is what you say. i’m trying, Lord, but i might be the only person still up at midnight on a wednesday, five years later mourning this baby, benjamin. someone should honor him. tonight, i picked me.  it’s not a choice i can control, and it’s heavy.

everything is meaningless,’ says the Teacher, ‘completely meaningless!  the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief.  to increase knowledge only increases sorrow.  so i came to hate life because everything done here is so troubling.  i have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.  again, i observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun.  i saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them.  the oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless.  better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.  after all, everyone dies—so the living should take this to heart.  sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.  a wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time.  i have seen everything in this meaningless life, including the death of good young people and the long life of wicked people.  not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.  i have thought deeply about all that goes on here under the sun, where people have the power to hurt each other.

{taken from ecclesiates}

right now, my thoughts are completely ‘ecclesiastes’. wondering. thinking it is all meaningless. imagining leaving my daughters someday to battle the spiritual war in the world that is so ugly and  sometimes so heavy.

i think of solomon’s words. and one thought hits me hard. this was before Jesus. not that Jesus didn’t exist, because He has from the start. but this was written before He came and gave His life for us. for me. for my daughters. for baby benjamin.  all of this, ‘life is meaningless’ stuff.  yes, it’s true, but then Jesus showed up.  my hope is in heaven, and this world is not my home.  my faith assures me that the sweet innocents treated so terribly, like benjamin, are resting in the arms of my Lord and King.  that gives my weary mind peace.  the hope of heaven and the promise of eternal life.  so how can i make it all mean something – this time on this earth?  what can i do to change this world?

Jesus. hold me now, Lord.

‘cast your burdens on me.’ He tells us.

i’m casting, Lord. i can’t forget what i read. i never will. evil seems to loom, but i’m casting hard. those daughters that You gave me need to see hope in my eyes when they wake up in the morning. it’s why i’m here. it’s why You leave us in this broken world – to spread your Hope, to share your Truth, to speak your Word, and to Pray. if my heart didn’t break so often… if my heart didn’t twist in my chest after seeing the cruel things in this world… would i pray nearly as much? probably not. would the ugly still happen? yep, probably would. so, i’d rather know and pray and possibly see a change in myself, my home, and my world, than tune out and see the world through rose-colored glasses all of the time.  that, to me, would be meaningless.  

benjamin’s short life is worth every tear a stranger cries and more. if i could, i would ask the Lord to have had someone know what that baby was going through. the longest my child has ever cried for her mama was 20 minutes. minutes. eight days. that baby sat, strapped in his car seat and left alone in his crib for eight days. days. and what killed him?  sent him to be with Jesus, as we say in this house.  his soiled, toxic diaper. sweet baby, i would have loved to have saved you.  i wonder if God and His angels were trying to tell someone about that boy, in that room, all alone for over a week…  maybe we aren’t listening?  God, let me hear you!  

and there i go back to ecclesiates. meaningless, Lord. it’s all meaningless.

those of you that may not follow probably think i seem bipolar at this moment.  but, anyway…

when these thoughts hit hard, i think less of me, more of my girls. less about this house, and more about unloved babies. less about what’s for dinner, and more about being loving towards my people.

what are we here for, friends?

what are we here for?

won’t you join me in this rally call? can we make it mean something?

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