do you ever feel like a complete failure by the end of the day? i’m having one of those nights tonight.
the day started out so well. even on four hours and 15 minutes of sleep (truly), i woke up in a good mood. i set it in my head and heart that i was going to implement women living well’s making your home a haven challenge a little early and i lit the candles. the house was clean. the kids were extremely pleasant. i made us homemade banana and oatmeal pancakes… things were going so smoothly.
every time i caught a glimpse of our candles (i kept one on the stove and one atop my dining room hutch – far away from the little ones), i remembered to once again pray for peace over our home. and peaceful it was. the atmosphere really shifted in a big way. things have been so tense lately. our days seem so packed, yet nothing really seems to be getting accomplished most of the time. i spend all day attending to the needs of everyone, yet i feel like i miss out on enjoying my time with any of them. today was the total, blissful opposite. hallelujah.
my husband treated us to an impromptu pizza dinner, and then we ran to the store to surprise the girls with their very own dvd player on which to watch their veggie tales and princess movies in the play room (if the big people are using the main tv)…
the night out ended with an unexpected God-encounter at a craft store, a peaceful execution of the littles’ bedtime routine, a relaxing hot shower for mama, and plans to sit down and tell you about some really great things that are stirring in my heart while the mister and i caught up on some shows we watch weekly.
but that part didn’t transpire like i had hoped. not even close. i had spent an entire day calm, cool, and collected, constructing a better day…a better me…a better home, and just like that, the floor beneath me fell out, and i ended the night so deflated.
i keep asking myself…what was God’s plan for how the night was supposed to end? i know it didn’t go according to plan. one negative sentence from the mister, and this woman cracked. and an hour-long disagreement led to me sorrowfully stroking the head of an innocent who ‘heard mommy yell’, and as i asked for her to forgive me for waking her up with my loud voice, this weary woman cracked even further inside. i remember being young and aware of tension between parents. i hate that i saw such concern in her eyes tonight, and that i disrupted her sleep.
and on top of it all, my hands have hit a rough patch. i’m fighting some seriously scary thoughts about sjogren’s…arthritis…feeling like my hands could just curl up into useless fists at any moment and being so frustrated that i am so young and need these hands and fingers to work for me for still a very long time. i know stress and sleepless nights are my worst enemies, yet here i sit, nursing eden, listening to worship music and joseph prince sermons on grace and love, typing this ‘lament’ and praying that saturday will bring me a chance to start over. a chance to make my daughter laugh and not cry. a chance to share good things with you (like what happened at the craft store), not stories of epic failure.
so, here’s to new mercies. and if your weekend took a nosedive, like our’s, then i pray that His mercy and love will envelop us all by sunrise. xoxo