this is for you.
this is for you, b/c you need a hug…you need a heart that understands you…you need a word of encouragement…you need a reminder that God has His mighty hand in your circumstance & you are far, far, far from alone.
over a year ago now, i wrote the post – i think it’s time.
sadly, it’s one of my most frequented posts. i am thankful for the opportunity to share my heart with so many of you, but i am saddened that so many of you can relate to the tragedy of losing a baby. my heart hurts for you. but my heart also hopes for you, b/c that’s not the end of the story.
as you read in that post, our good, precious, loving Father revealed some pretty beautiful things to me after that sad time in our lives. those things included a dream that settled my heart, restored my peace, & also left me with my baby’s name. during quiet moments of heartache, He spoke to my heart & showed me how, though the loss was deeply felt & will never be forgotten or diminished, it was not a loss. i have the great privilege to have experienced a gain…two gains. had our sweet ej made it to this earth, our isla rae would not be here. perhaps another baby would be here at some point, but not isla rae. likewise, had ej never been formed, i would not have his/her sweet spirit to greet me in Heaven. ej is a gift. isla rae is a gift. they are additional, precious treasures that almost never were. we are growing our Heaven families here. we are growing our Heaven families here. take heart.
a little side note as you reflect upon meeting your little one(s) in Heaven. a friend of mine was talking to me about something entirely different the other day. she was talking about how we as people can actually have wounds in our souls, depending upon the circumstances, emotions, etc. while in the womb. (deliverance-ministry related) although our memories can’t seem to recollect being cognizant of such things, our spirit is communing with our mother’s spirit while we are growing inside of her. i personally, firmly believe this notion, & the Bible supports such a claim. consider luke 1:41 – “When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.” (Jesus was in mary’s womb at that time.) our spirit man is very much alive & functioning in the womb. applying this understanding to meeting my precious one in Heaven…our spirits will know one another & it will not be a “meeting,” but rather a reunion of mother & child, separated for a time. look forward to that day, friend. look forward to the miracle of knowing fully, as you are fully known. again, take heart.
back to where i was going to go further, if you don’t mind. you see, i personally believe that each specific sperm & egg (yes, i just said that, b/c that’s what we are, right?) are covered in divine handwriting…what will become our dna – our blueprint. psalm 139:16 reads…
“Your eyes did see my substance, yet being imperfect; and in your book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.”
given the particular marriage of cells, if you will, there never would or could have been another chance to draw our isla rae from the gene pool, per se. she’s it. same with ava bean…ej…every baby ever created. like fingerprints, we are each miraculous, one-of-a-kind creations. we are here with a purpose in mind. now, let me be so clear on this…it is my firm belief that God does not ordain babies to die. He is LOVE. He is LIFE. He is ALL things GOOD. but He knew what was going to happen. He knew what was going to happen & why. i don’t need to know why. my job is to trust Him. this truth always reminds me of one of my most treasured scriptures…
“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” – 1 corinthians 13:12.
going back to the idea that each life formed is a one-of-a-kind, never-can-be-duplicated creation, that can also be applied to your situation if you are having difficulty conceiving. i have a friend who was so frustrated, frustrated, frustrated, & rightfully so, b/c she just couldn’t seem to conceive. while thinking of/praying for her, i felt God deposit a little message into my heart. it had everything to do with what i just shared. this was even before my miscarriage, & i felt as though God was saying something about timing. it wasn’t time yet. b/c each baby is so unique & a specific thread in the tapestry of humanity, her baby just hadn’t arrived yet. sure enough, less than a year later, that baby was conceived. i know everyone’s circumstances are different, but maybe, just maybe this will apply to you or someone you know who is trying to hold on to hope. we can always hope.
i hope i haven’t lost you yet, b/c i really want to share something really special. just a couple of weeks ago, i was praying with some mentors/friends of mine, & one spoke to me about the miscarriage. all eyes closed, seeking the voice of the Lord, they told me to revisit the most painful moment of that experience. before i tell you what occurred, i’ll give you a little insight as to where i went in my mind’s eye…
(an excerpt from the post mentioned, i think it’s time.)
i’ll never forget lying in the er ultrasound room, the tech doing her thing, & hubby standing behind her. his face was all i watched. he stood stiff, staring at the monitor (which i couldn’t see), hand on his mouth in serious concentration, never shifting. he looked at me once. his expression didn’t change. i knew what he was telling me before she did. no heart beat. i still wonder sometimes what he saw while he stared. he just said it didn’t look the same. six days was actually one day. our baby died just one day after we watched him/her bounce around like the happiest little being on the planet. no reason. no explanation. just over. when she left us in the room alone to have a minute, a sound came from my being that i never even imagine existed. i wailed. from the innermost parts of my heart i wailed. it’s a horrible sound.
that is exactly where i went. i didn’t have to think about going there. my heart knew. but you know who else was in that room? God.
as we were praying, my friend calmly told me that God was in that place with me. it was like i was having one of those scrooge moments from “a christmas carol” where he is watching his life hovering up above. i was watching myself on the table, gripping my belly, wailing. it was God’s view. i saw my husband standing in front of the ultrasound machine. i was there all over again. there was no sound, but it was as clear as could be. it didn’t take long for me to hear God’s voice speaking to the deepest recesses of my soul…
“I am holding you.”
“I am protecting you.”
“I am giving (my husband’s name) strength.”
those three, short sentences changed everything about that moment for me. the Lord rewrote history. He is the Author & Finisher of our faith, our lives. He set that chapter straight. i remember at the time feeling so alone. so, so alone. after all, i was one with this child. i was the only person literally connected to him/her, & then, i was alone. no one involved would experience the loss like i would on many levels. but God was there, & He was holding me. i was not alone. it’s one thing to say, “yes, i know…the Lord never forsakes us.” it’s an entirely different thing to hear Him speak it directly to your heart. He knew i needed to hear it.
in regards to His statement about protection – as i have gone through & am still going through some amazing classes at my church, i have learned so much about the enemy of our souls, but even more about God. i have no doubt that God was shielding our hearts from so many things that the enemy was trying to accomplish during those extremely painful & weak moments/days/months. we were covered by His blood, sheltered beneath His great wing.
“He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” psalm 91:4
the horrible plans the enemy had to destroy our faith, hearts, marriage…to steal our hope, joy, trust, peace…God had thwarted them all. we were completely unaware of the mighty things He was doing on our behalf, b/c of His abounding love.
in regards to the final statement that addressed my husband very pointedly…i confess i had harbored some anger in the months that followed. the experience did bring us to a place of healing in our marriage at the time, & we had found a closeness that i believe we may not have found otherwise, but as time passed over the course of that year, i faced many hard days. days that i would cry; that i would feel sad, alone, empty, & he didn’t seem to understand. he didn’t seem phased by it anymore. he had locked it up & moved on. it would hurt me on the hardest days. when God said this to me so clearly, though, & He saved it for last, i knew it was His way of completely sealing my wounds. He literally took me from start to finish. first, He addressed my personal agony. then, He spoke to us as a couple, & last, He wiped away any misunderstanding or resentment i had towards my husband following the experience. my hubby was not indifferent towards the pain – he was holding it together so that i could lean on him as my partner. whether he even realized it or not, God was imparting supernatural, emotional clarity & strength when i had very little myself.
so i write this in an attempt to stir up some hope in you. God is holding you. He is protecting you from the plans of the enemy of your soul. He is giving you, your spouse, your friends strength to be your earthly supports. He can & will reveal Himself to you. take a moment, close your eyes, revisit a lonely hour & pray, “Lord, I know you were in this situation with me. i know you were there. i know you were speaking something to my heart. please reveal it to me, Father, that i may have peace, that i may know Your heart for me in a deeper way, that i may trust You more fully in my life.”
you know why all of this is truly beautiful to me? God keeps showing me He’s not finished. until i reach glory, He is never finished with me. like a hot iron to a linen garment, He is using the fiery trials & pressures of this world to carefully press out all of the wrinkles in my soul. everything the enemy plans for evil, the God of Heaven works for our good. everything. (Gen. 50:20/Rom. 8:28)
i pray & believe that the Lord will meet us when we seek Him.
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
“Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
2 Cor. 1:3-4
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”