i hate my left hand, my left arm, & the left side of my head.

hate is a strong word, i know…

but i hate them today.

off & on for a very, very long time – long before ever knowing that it wasn’t “normal,” & long before ever hearing about autoimmune diseases, random patches of my skin will hurt out-of-the-blue. it feels like a horrible patch of sunburn. your clothes rubbing across it, your baby brushing against it in what is meant to be a loving moment, you resting it on anything…hurts. usually, it will stop as randomly as it starts within 24 hours…but not this time. we are going on five long, irritating days here.

so, i hate these parts of me today. they woke me up twice last night (on top of the children waking me three additional times). i’m feeling much like a zombie this morning…an irritated, frustrated, tired person.

the pain just keeps shifting along – reminds me of gently swishing bath water. the sensation keeps oozing from one spot back to the other throughout the days. today, it’s off of the top of my hand & has found its second home in my outer forearm again. this hurts.

you know that uncomfortable ache that comes after hitting your funny bone or having your reflexes tested? well, my joints in my wrist & elbow feel like that non-stop. my hand keeps going weak & feels worthless. every time i try to make it do something it’s supposed to do, the pang returns & my elbow retreats & i’m back to being frustrated w/its worthlessness.

to top it all off – some meanie must be pulling my hair in my sleep, b/c i have a large spot on my scalp that is burning like it has been ruthlessly pulled all night long.

five days of this.

my arm/hand weakness is the most frustrating b/c it’s affecting my interaction w/my babies. common, mundane actions are hurting like the dickens today…unbuttoning the snaps on a onesie…washing my hands (which i do 50 million times a day)…curling my hair…i’m very mad at this stupid body of mine.

hot water seems to help, but i can’t exactly hang out in the shower all day…

i once researched & wrote an exegesis paper in college about Solomon’s great prayer for wisdom (1 Kings 3).

At Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you.”

Solomon’s response:

So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?”

The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.

did you know there are multiple hebrew words used in place of the simple english word “ask?” i hadn’t until researching this passage thoroughly.

now, i wish i had that paper to re-read or a concordance…i’m going to have to buy one.

b/c in matthew 21:22 we are reminded…

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

you will receive. not perhaps, maybe, if i feel like it…you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. well, i am asking for this pain to stop, Lord, but i don’t have my paper & i don’t own a concordance yet, so can you please remind me…

what attitude of heart & frame of mind do i need to have in order that these sensations will leave me & never come back?

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