wednesday morning ranting…

well, the babies are sleeping (isla & b-man) & ava’s enjoying her hour of sesame street & i’m feeling lousy, so i’m going to write…

some of you have been following along, so this is just more of the same…

i’m so sick of feeling sick…and i’m really mad at my contacts.

i’m blaming them today. i don’t know if it’s their fault, but i read somewhere that your body can react to silica & spark issues like mine, so i’m blaming them for feeling like i’m going to throw up right now. stupid contacts…they lit the flame that started this fire.

i’m typing with my elbows glued to my side. it hurts to move my arms. my old cheerleading coach would be proud of my form right now…that’s about all she’d be proud of though considering i can’t do diddly with anything else. even “sparkle fingers” are out of the question.

two & half years ago i paid a visit to the eye doc to update my contacts. i had been wearing the same brand since day one of 7th grade. that’s like, geesh, 18 years ago or something. i never had an issue. period. but this guy proceeded to tell me how far contacts have come since then & that it would be in my best interest to switch. oookkk…he’s the doc, so he brings me this new pair of very popular contacts & as soon as they go into my eyes it starts…burning…hurting…itching. it was like having sand or a rock in your eye. so i told him i thought there was something wrong…he looked…looked again. nope. nothing’s there. he sends me packin’ & there i went, driving down the road, barely able to see it burned so badly. i took them out as soon as i got home.

long story short & two doctors later, i’m told that my immune system was over-reacting & that lesions had covered my eyes like “snowfall.” i could’ve probably counted on one hand how many times i had worn my glasses that year. little did i know they’d become permanent fixtures on my face that day. i was 5 mos pregnant with ava. she is now 23 mos old. i have just recently been able to tolerate new, special contacts. they still cause me pain, rip like crazy & by day’s end, i’m wiping goop out of my eyes constantly, but when you’ve got kids pulling your glasses off of your face 24/7 & you’re wearing them counterproductively in the shower so you can keep an eye on the baby at the same time…it gets a little annoying.

so anyway…that’s why this is all their fault. since then & three pregnancies later, things have gotten worse. i finished ava’s pregnancy off with swelling & those eyes…with pregnancy number two my digestive system apparently joined in the fun…i was sick after every meal. i thought it was my version of morning sickness. it loomed over me whenever we would leave the house. i never knew when or what would make my stomach so sick. it was awful. then i lost him/her & the sickness disappeared. pregnancy number three, isla’s pregnancy, was by far the worst. i hemorrhaged twice, the sickness returned, my hands became nearly crippled by carpal tunnel syndrome & ulnar nerve compression, headaches, fatigue, joint pain, rashes & swelling like i couldn’t believe. came with the territory, right? i was pregnant after all. i felt good after she was born, aside from the normal healing stuff…then it came back…with a vengeance.

three months post-partum, i was freaking out thinking i was already pregnant again. after all, the “pregnancy symptoms” had returned…acid reflux, pain, cramping, frantically searching for restrooms after meals…headaches…exhaustion…nausea…i took test after test. always negative. even took a blood test. negative. my new symptom this time…knee pain. knee pain like you wouldn’t believe. i actually almost fell down the stairs twice. things were not right. slowly, more of the same returned along with the new…the hand pain, elbows, hips. my arms & legs ache so badly i don’t even want to move them. i feel 200 years old! and i’m not even pregnant! at least when your pregnant you have a good reason for putting your body through all of those discomforts & you know it’s only temporary. this just flat out stinks. i don’t know how long it will last & there is nothing good to show for it.

on top of the pains, nausea, getting sick after eating, loss of appetite, i’ve had a handful of other weird, random problems…swollen lymph nodes in my arm pits, random patches of skin feeling burnt for days although nothing’s there & my hair won’t grow. i went from being able to frequently donate 10 plus inches of hair to not being able to grow even 2 inches in 6 mos.

finally, like a puzzle coming together, the rheumatologist is figuring me out. twelve more days until i see him again & hopefully receive some answers that don’t contain words like “sjogrens,” “lupus,” “disease” & “pain management.” i want to hear “normal,” “normal,” “normal,” & a big, fat “yes” to having more babies…

i’m going to get out of this rut & finally get back to being the fun-loving, easy-going, healthy person i used to be…

oh there she is… ๐Ÿ˜‰ haha i look kooky. i do that when other people are taking my mug shot. it’s the 4-yr-old in me i suppose…

sorry this is just a jumbled mess. i’m just frustrated & a little all over the place. i know my God is Healer. i know this is merely a scratch in His eyes. it’s nothing He can’t handle. i know i can also live a productive life with this, but i don’t want to have to. i have much more to say about all that, but i’ll save it for another time…those things i need to pray a lot more about first…


  1. Brandy says

    I have been having the same problems with my eyes ever since I had Lyoto!
    I suffer when I wear my contacts ( burning, stinging, eye goobies, headache after headache!) i've been to the eye docs twice and she said it's just allergies… For 7 months??? I dont believe it!

  2. says

    Brandy, I'll send you the name of my eye doc. I trust him. He did however attribute my eye problem to extreme dryness, which he said could be brought on by pregnancy & stage of life (age). It wasn't until all of these other things started becoming problems that they pieced it together w/my eye problem. It was the 1st thing though, so pay attention to your body & don't settle for easy answers if you feel differently. I'm convinced now more than ever that we truly know our bodies well enough to tell if something's not normal. Let me know!

  3. says

    Kristi, I am so sorry ๐Ÿ™ I am praying for you dear one. For complete healing, strength, grace, and answers from this Dr in Jesus Name.
    Love you!

  4. Anonymous says

    This is NOTHING in comparison to what you are going through, but on a side note… babies + eyes must not be a good mix. ๐Ÿ™‚ Since having the boys, my eyes are terrible. I can't see well & its blurry. My Dr. said my eyes are just tired (for 5 years??) from being a "new mom" as he put it. (this was just a month or so ago.)
    Anyways- I can't wait for your next appointment. If nothing comes from it, what next? I can't wait for you to get some relief from all of this. I just can not begin to imagine how you can take care of your sweet girls while dealing with this!

    keep me posted. Praying for you.
    – Becky

  5. says

    Thank you, Jenny – I so appreciate & receive that. And Shannon, thank you for those kind words. I love C&C; she's beyond talented! Welcome & stop back again soon! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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