still standing…

that’s what i’m doing – building wings.

some days lately it feels as though i’m having to do it frantically & others, i seem to get a few moments of floating.

today’s been a mixture of each.

have you ever felt as if you were on the verge of change? well, i’m on the cusp of a new me…i think i’m pretty much there.

i have had this happen once before in my life. i’m talking over-haul kind of stuff…

the first time was my senior year in high school. that’s been a long time ago now, but i remember that year so vividly b/c my life changed…i changed.

going into that year, my life had been “perfect.” seemingly close-knit family, successful in school & sports, oodles of friends…always on top of the world…you probably couldn’t catch me crying or frowning for that matter if you tried.

as of october of that year…homecoming court, lead role in an independent film, cheerleader since the 2nd grade…by february…dropped from the film, kicked off the squad, tattooed, 42 school absences, countless tardies, detention & divorced parents. needless to say, not the same pretty picture…

valentine’s day, february 14th of that year, i was at the lowest, most desperate time of my life. the future was blurry & i was just going through the motions on so many levels. when i didn’t think things could get any worse & i could probably count true friends on 2 fingers…Jesus showed up.

3 days later on february 17th, i caught a glimpse of Heaven…and just like that i was new.

i can’t explain to you how that happens, but when the Lord said through paul, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come,” He meant it…i really was new. i tried to remember how i felt about certain people, things or topics…tried to relate as the old me, but i never could. i really had become a new creation. my thoughts, my desires, my perceptions & realities were all new.

so this is why i have hope today. this is why, i know it’s going to be ok. i know, b/c i’ve already been there & i’ve experienced the outcome when you release your fears, insecurities, doubts, life…into the hands of the One who made you, knows you & knows what’s best for your life.

my issues are far from resembling any of the issues i faced back then. i’ve been faithfully devoted to Christ everyday since & my “sin issues” aren’t so blatant anymore…i’m learning the deeper you get into your walk w/the Lord, the more like brain surgery it becomes. He’s finding the details in me…the glitches.

through my recent blunders & struggles, i have found a desperation for Jesus like i haven’t felt in a long time. He’s reminding me that i had forgotten to keep leaning on Him. my spirit is more humbled now than ever & He’s probably allowing that to happen b/c “a meek & quiet spirit” is what He loves. {1 peter 3:4}

reminiscent of my previous experience, i’ve been unraveling. unlike the last time though, it’s been a slow process & this time, it’s not the things around me that are coming undone – it’s me. i’ve asked God to help me become this noble woman described in His Word, thinking He would help me to evolve from where i already had grown to. in actuality, He’s stripping me down & showing me the existing uglies instead.

lately, my shortcomings can be found mostly in relationships, most importantly, in my marriage. i’ve asked Him earnestly for months now to help me become a true proverbs 31 woman. i didn’t know that prayer was going to lead me here, but it has & i’m thankful for that.

apparently, you can’t pray to become a proverbs 31 woman & still insist on steering your own ship. lesson learned – the hard way. i have a confession. i’ve been arrogant in my marriage…self-righteous even at times. my way’s always the best…i am above hurting someone i love…nope. i’m finding neither of those are true. i’m seeing that i really can be hurtful & i haven’t been the woman i have the potential of being…the woman He created me to be. my husband deserves that woman. my children deserve that woman. God deserves that woman.

a wife of noble character who can find?
she is worth far more than rubies.
her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
she brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

wow. full confidence. lacking nothing of value. bringing him good, not harm, all of her days…the Lord is really refining me right now. He’s got His magnifying glass on my heart & mind.

i’m learning to be thankful for my failures & i’m actually excited to see who’s coming out on the other side of them. i’m on the verge of becoming better, wiser, stronger b/c of them…

so i guess my message is simply this…

how well we rise will depend entirely on who you let build your wings.

check out brooke fraser’s song, shadowfeet in the playlist at the bottom of the page…

when the world is falling out from under me,
i’ll be found in You…
still standing…

amen.

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